My Moment: October 28, 2013

I haven't posted anything in a while. Its because of the many stresses that are taking over my life. Where do you I start, well since I cant start, here is a list of the stresses:

• My grandfather passing away and having to watch it all 
• first year of college
• depression
• realizing I am making a big mistake
• exams
• assignments

I knew college was going to be tough and different but this is definitely not what I expected. Education is important to me but I don't think I can deal with everything on my plate all at once. 

Classes started August 26 but I moved in the Thursday before and that is when everything changed. Don't think I moved into to school, because I actually moved into my temporary home (my aunt's house). I thought it would be great; two younger cousins that could be like siblings would be fun. I was completely wrong. I think they add on more stress because I have to deal with their sibling rivalry. One is screaming at the other and then the other is slamming doors. Great place to study right? I only moved into my aunt's house to lessen the cost of college at Fairleigh Ridiculous; the lesser cost does not compensate for the stress I allowed into my life. They are constantly asking me to do things like I don't have anything else I need to do. Then when I say I have to do some things; they decide to try and convince me by saying that I couldn't possibly have as much as they do. They then decide to make it sound like college is easier than high school. Boy are they wrong; if they think that then they are going to have a rude awakening. My first semester ends on December 19 but I have decided to not stay for the full year because I cant handle it. Instead, I will be moving back to my actual home and transfer to the near by community college where I will then get my Associates and transfer some where else with more opportunities.

Then on top of all of that, my grandfather passed away on September 7, 2013 of Pulmonary Fibrosis. It was the worst thing I had to go through. Me and my cousin (she is the same age as me) had to watch the whole thing, from the struggle to his very last breath. I have never cried that much! I am the first born in the family so it was a little harder for me but I think it was equally tough on my cousin (same age as me) since we are 2 months apart and the oldest in the family. It will never be the same because now my grandmother will be all alone and my grandfather's garden will now have to equally be taken care of by the family so that it could live up to my grandfather's hopes and dreams. Fortunately, we were able to take one last vacation as a family before my grandfather died. That vacation was for most of us our first cruise and was to Bermuda. We had lots of fun meeting new people and for me and my cousins, finding "crushes" that we will probably never see again. At this time with the passing of my grandfather, we have to remember the good times and how much fun we had so we could forget about the bad and tough times we have had to deal with.

I find myself asking myself, "Why am I being dealt all this now"? "Is god trying to help me get through the tough times first to make room for the good times"? If this is God's motive then you know what, better get it out of the way first then later. I have cried enough these past few months. Hopefully there are some happy moments coming my way because I am ready to get my life started. 

I cant wait to transfer and move back home because that means that I will be able to have the support of my parents "live" in front of me rather than over the phone. I think this is going to be good for me and I really do think that this will pave new paths for me to walk on and get into my future. I am also excited because I get to spend the major holidays with my parents at home and I also get to be home with my family on my birthday in January. I really cant wait because I know I am going to become somebody and prove to those certain family members (you know exactly who you are; I will save you the embarrassment of being published online) that didn't and still don't believe in me because sooner or later, I am going to turn to you and tell you "I told you so"! Until then, you can continue to waist your breath telling me what you think I am not going to become because I know exactly what I am doing and I don't need your help; its not like you offered your help when I actually needed it and you also never even helped when we asked. That's OK because we figured it out on our own just like I will live my life the way I want with out your negative comments and opinions. So yeah, waste your breath because you are soon going to realize that you messed with someone that is going to prove you wrong. I'll show you.

Until then, I am going to continue making my mistakes and learning from them. 
My motto for a while: "You have to make mistakes in order to suceed and you can only succeed if you learn from the mistakes you made. You will never succeed if you dont figure it out on your own sooner or later."

Good night until tomorrow!! (I am going to try and post every night before I go to bed)
P.S- Don't make promises that you are not going to keep or fulfill!! Thanks!!