The Day has Come: December 19th, 2013

The day has finally come; the day I get to move back home. Its going to be bittersweet considering the fact that I have been living here for close to 5 months. Even if my journey ended sooner than expected in the beginning of the year, I still enjoyed the experience and the lessons I learned from it. I will cherish the friends I have made and the great professors I had (a select few were great). 

As I sit at my desk and look out the window for the last time in Paramus, I remember that this isn't the end but the beginning of a new journey full of changes and fresh starts.

There is not much else to say right now, but I will definitely post later on and update on how the move went.

~Hannah

December 18th, 2013: End of the day update

As the day is soon to end, I thought I would post an update. My life at FDU has finally ended and it is now time to move back home and start a new life at Middlesex Community College. I had my last final today and I couldn't be happier. Although I am not sure how I did on this final (math), I feel confident that what ever it is will be fine.

Tomorrow marks the day where I can start from scratch and become a new and better version of me. I will be a little sad because my aunt's house has been my home for the past almost 5 months. Although my cousins and I have had our moments (previously shown in other posts), I truly am going to miss them. They were like a brother and sister that I never had, my aunt and uncle were like second parents to me and the fact that they opened up their home to me makes me so appreciative. Its amazing because it feels like yesterday that I moved in; its surreal because the time has gone so fast. 

I also am thankful for moving up north because I got to see my grandfather more before he passed. I will always cherish the extra days I had with him that I probably would not have had if it wasn't for moving into Bergen County.

Its especially going to be hard this Christmas because it is going to be the first with out my Nonno. Then a couple days after Christmas is my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary; that is going to be especially hard for my grandmother. Hopefully we can keep the Christmas spirit alive while knowing that our grandfather will be forever in our hearts and memory.

Overall I had a pretty good day and I cant wait for tomorrow (minus the loading my car with all my stuff) so I can finally be back at home with my favorite cat and dog and parents.

I will make sure to post tomorrow and let all of you know how the day turned out!!

Good Night!!

~Hannah Fakhrzadeh

December 18th, 2013: Who I want to be

Since I am in college, I don't get to watch a lot of my favorite TV shows when they first air. So when I sat down to see last night's episode of Awkward, a question from the show got me thinking. Who do I want to be? Like Jenna, it took me a little while to figure it out and then I thought, I have known who I want to be all along but I just didn't accept it as a reality.

I want to be a successful woman who can support her self and doesn't need to rely on some one. I want to be a newscaster for Channel 7 News or Good Morning America. Eventually, I want to be a wife and mother who can teach my family what I have learned through all my experiences. I want to be someone that doesn't care what people think and I want to be able to just let their hate full words fly right past me with out having any affect.

What is stopping me? The force stopping me is myself. I am not believing in the fact that I can become all of that if I just believe that it is truly going to work out the way I want. 

Today is my last full day in Paramus until tomorrow when I move back home. I am going to take this opportunity of moving back home to start fresh. I am going to become a new me; I am starting at a new school in the end of January and I am going to make new friends; I will make friends that genuinely care about me and I know they wont become back stabbers like some of the friends I have made.

With moving back home, I am going to do a complete turnaround; I am going to start taking better care of my self and my appearance. My mom has always said that if I want to make it big in Newscasting, I have to have a great appearance; She is not just talking about makeup (I rarely wear make up, if I do it is either for a party or I just put on a little), she is also talking about confidence. She tells me that you need to walk with great posture because that will show people that you are confident in yourself and what you are doing. Which is true, I have finally realized that slouching (my personal favorite) does not look good at all. When some one slouches, it means that they are not confident in themselves or they are scared at what people might say. I am done with trying to impress others because I have found that especially with particular members of my family, they don't give a shit about you; they only care about themselves. If they are not on the top or if their child doesn't have the best things or some one is praising you and not their child, then that is no good. They automatically go into this frenzy to turn the attention back on them and their children; god forbid that the attention leaves them for a minute.

This is my chance to push through them and force them to realize that they are not the only ones around. I AM HERE AND I AM NOT GOING ANY WHERE!!!!!!!! If they can't loosen up their ego then they have a rude awakening to face and its not going to be pretty.

I can't wait for the time that the spotlight will be on me and I am ready to shine. I am so thank full for the support I do have from other family members especially my parents. Even if when I was younger, I didn't really understand what they were trying to teach me but it is very clear now. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have the confidence to break out of the shadow.

For my audience out there:
NEVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CANT BE WHAT AND WHO YOU WANT TO BE!! LET THEM THINK THAT THEY CAN MAKE YOU FALL DOWN BECAUSE WHAT THEY DONT KNOW IS THAT SOONER OR LATER YOU ARE GOING TO RISE FROM THE FOG OF THEIR WORDS AND THEY WILL REALIZE THAT ALL THE HATRED THEY HAVE PUSHED TOWARDS YOU WILL TURN AROUND AND BITE THEM IN THE ASS!!

Thanks for reading and keep an eye out for a new post at the end of the day!!

With love,

Hannah

The Hardest Time of the Year

For me, this holiday season is going to be the hardest. My grandfather past away on September 7th of this year and now the holidays are approaching. We got through Thanksgiving missing him greatly since my grandfather used to love making the stuffing for the Turkey. Thanksgiving this year was not as happy as it should have been since we were all shedding tears since none of us really got over his death. As we sat and ate our meal, we felt and knew that something was missing; it just didn't feel the same. Now with Christmas coming in about two weeks, that is going to be more tears that we all shed. I really don't know how we are going to be able to get through it. I don't even know how my grandmother is going to get through it, she lost her husband; she has been with him for a long time since they got married when they were very young. They would have celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary but unfortunately, my grandfather couldn't be here.

We were all extremely close to him and it was extremely hard at his funeral and then his burial. My cousins and I wrote a little something for him but I read it on behalf of them because they couldn't handle it. I almost didn't get through it; I started crying midway and it wasn't until my uncle and the priest came over and assured me that I could do it. Thanks to them, I built up enough courage to finish it and even now thinking about it makes me cry. Please look directly under for the little something we wrote, it said:

Hi Nonno,

You are a good hearted and hard working man who deserves the best.

Even though you left us you will still be with us every step of the way in our hearts and in our memory.

We wanted to remind you of all the good things we will remember you by. 

You have a smile that made everyone smile, you have a laugh that filled a room with joy and just being around you was a wonderful feeling.

You will be missed greatly by all your children, grandchildren and many more. 

We love you non no, we always will. 

To show you how much we love you we want to give you a lucky angel rock so that you can always remember us.

I must say, that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but after, I felt a sense of peace that he was in a better place. We all felt lucky that we were able to take one last trip with him; we took a cruise to Bermuda and we cherished every moment we had with him on the cruise. We had many laughs with him and I have a moment that is stuck in my head. I remember him sitting at the slot machines in the boat and I remember I sat with him and he was laughing and enjoying himself. He was having so much fun that he didn't want to leave. There is only one thing that is important, that is to cherish the moments we had with him and cherish the moments we will have in the future because he will always and forever be in our hearts.

He was a strong man and I praise him for that. He fought until the end and he didn't want to give up. Thankfully the whole family was there to say goodbye except that my father missed his chance. I remember it like it was yesterday, we didn't want to let him know that my grandfather had passed because my father was still driving. But I remember when he got to the hospital and my aunt, uncle and mom told him that he was gone, my father lost it. He bursted into tears and ran up and down the hospital hallway because he couldn't believe it. When he finally pulled it together and came into the room, he saw everyone with their eyes blown up and puffy because of all the crying we had done. He calmed down after a while and joined us in prayer along with the priest.

Hopefully with time we will all heal but for now we are still mourning the death of our dearest husband, father, grandfather, uncle, cousin and friend. He will forever be in our minds and hearts and we will never ever forget the time we were blessed to have with him.

We all love you Nonno and we hope you are proud with all we have done!

Love always,

Hannah

November 1, 2013: Another Realization

As I sit in my room and think about my day today, there are many things that come to mind. I always seem to have realizations but never do anything about them. I think it is because, I don't let myself do anything about them. I just came from the movie theater, I saw Last Vegas, and the movie made me realize something major. It made me realize that you cant just sit around and watch as your life is rushing past you. You have to take action. I have realized that I have to get up off my lazy ass and do something about fulfilling the things I want to do. I find that I sit and complain about all the things I want to do but can't when it is my fault all along; I am not making the effort to do all the things I want.

The movie also made me realize that I need to find a good group of people that I can "grow old" with. I think I have that now but I don't know for sure. I hope that the friends I am thinking of now, I am going to stay close to and talk to later on in life especially after I transfer from FDU.

Well, I don't know what else to write but this time I promise to write tomorrow so stay tuned for more (I will post throughout the day)!!

~Hannah

October 30, 2013: Why me?

As I sit at my laptop and think of what to write, I think about how my week and day has been. Not Great but not horrible. I was able to tolerate the week so far but yet again, its not over yet. I still have my dreaded Thursday. I have 3 classes tomorrow which all have at least a 2 hour break in between them. Just to show you, this is how my Thursday looks:

7:00-my alarm goes off
7:15-my mom calls to wake me up
7:30-check my technology (games included)
8:20- get off my ass (after watching TV and eating breakfast)
8:45- finally decide on an outfit for school and brush my teeth, hair and wash my face
9:15-hopefully out the door
9:45-hopefully be at school, walking to my first class
10:00-11:15- Criminal Justice class
11:45-1:20- bullshit around and wait for time to come that I have to leave yet again
1:30- hopefully be out the door
2:00-2:50- Freshman Seminar (serious waste of time)
3:15-4:45-bullshit around yet again
5:00-hopefully be out the door yet again
5:30-8:00- Communications (first hour is wasted by the professor ranting on about unnecessary things)

Now you can see why I hate Thursdays so much; Its because it is non stop like I am running around like an animal. On the other hand, when Thursdays are over I know that once I go to bed and wake up, its Friday and that is the day I go home for the weekend.

Tomorrow is Halloween and it is bittersweet this year. Usually every year I dress up and still trick-or-treat (I don't care if I am 18 years old) but this year since I am in college and have class all day, I can't. I wish I was back home with my parents because I used to love decorating with my mom but this year is a lot different with no one really wanting to do anything since the passing of my grandfather. Hopefully next year, I will have the chance to dress up and bring old memories back. I cant wait; only 50 more days left until I can move back home. When I move back home, I will be able to start fresh with a hopefully less stressful life.

Now to get to the question in the title of this post; Why Me? I guess I am asking this because I am wondering why I am not as happy as I usually am. I feel like I am all alone in a small box that has the label "Life". Why was I dealt this life, there has to be a reason because I truly believe that God does not do anything with out reason. Maybe this is just his way of teaching me about different hardships in life. Who knows? No one knows but God. I am not about to mess with his way of thinking so we will leave the post at that and hopefully I will be able to post after my last class tomorrow if my energy is not strained out of me.

Love you all and I will "speak" to you all tomorrow!!

My Moment: October 28, 2013

I haven't posted anything in a while. Its because of the many stresses that are taking over my life. Where do you I start, well since I cant start, here is a list of the stresses:

• My grandfather passing away and having to watch it all 
• first year of college
• depression
• realizing I am making a big mistake
• exams
• assignments

I knew college was going to be tough and different but this is definitely not what I expected. Education is important to me but I don't think I can deal with everything on my plate all at once. 

Classes started August 26 but I moved in the Thursday before and that is when everything changed. Don't think I moved into to school, because I actually moved into my temporary home (my aunt's house). I thought it would be great; two younger cousins that could be like siblings would be fun. I was completely wrong. I think they add on more stress because I have to deal with their sibling rivalry. One is screaming at the other and then the other is slamming doors. Great place to study right? I only moved into my aunt's house to lessen the cost of college at Fairleigh Ridiculous; the lesser cost does not compensate for the stress I allowed into my life. They are constantly asking me to do things like I don't have anything else I need to do. Then when I say I have to do some things; they decide to try and convince me by saying that I couldn't possibly have as much as they do. They then decide to make it sound like college is easier than high school. Boy are they wrong; if they think that then they are going to have a rude awakening. My first semester ends on December 19 but I have decided to not stay for the full year because I cant handle it. Instead, I will be moving back to my actual home and transfer to the near by community college where I will then get my Associates and transfer some where else with more opportunities.

Then on top of all of that, my grandfather passed away on September 7, 2013 of Pulmonary Fibrosis. It was the worst thing I had to go through. Me and my cousin (she is the same age as me) had to watch the whole thing, from the struggle to his very last breath. I have never cried that much! I am the first born in the family so it was a little harder for me but I think it was equally tough on my cousin (same age as me) since we are 2 months apart and the oldest in the family. It will never be the same because now my grandmother will be all alone and my grandfather's garden will now have to equally be taken care of by the family so that it could live up to my grandfather's hopes and dreams. Fortunately, we were able to take one last vacation as a family before my grandfather died. That vacation was for most of us our first cruise and was to Bermuda. We had lots of fun meeting new people and for me and my cousins, finding "crushes" that we will probably never see again. At this time with the passing of my grandfather, we have to remember the good times and how much fun we had so we could forget about the bad and tough times we have had to deal with.

I find myself asking myself, "Why am I being dealt all this now"? "Is god trying to help me get through the tough times first to make room for the good times"? If this is God's motive then you know what, better get it out of the way first then later. I have cried enough these past few months. Hopefully there are some happy moments coming my way because I am ready to get my life started. 

I cant wait to transfer and move back home because that means that I will be able to have the support of my parents "live" in front of me rather than over the phone. I think this is going to be good for me and I really do think that this will pave new paths for me to walk on and get into my future. I am also excited because I get to spend the major holidays with my parents at home and I also get to be home with my family on my birthday in January. I really cant wait because I know I am going to become somebody and prove to those certain family members (you know exactly who you are; I will save you the embarrassment of being published online) that didn't and still don't believe in me because sooner or later, I am going to turn to you and tell you "I told you so"! Until then, you can continue to waist your breath telling me what you think I am not going to become because I know exactly what I am doing and I don't need your help; its not like you offered your help when I actually needed it and you also never even helped when we asked. That's OK because we figured it out on our own just like I will live my life the way I want with out your negative comments and opinions. So yeah, waste your breath because you are soon going to realize that you messed with someone that is going to prove you wrong. I'll show you.

Until then, I am going to continue making my mistakes and learning from them. 
My motto for a while: "You have to make mistakes in order to suceed and you can only succeed if you learn from the mistakes you made. You will never succeed if you dont figure it out on your own sooner or later."

Good night until tomorrow!! (I am going to try and post every night before I go to bed)
P.S- Don't make promises that you are not going to keep or fulfill!! Thanks!!

Why do we dream of things we sometimes can't have?

As I sit here and think of all the dreams I have ever had, I wonder why do we dream of things we can't have. I started a dream box a couple of years ago for the purpose of writing wishes and dreams down so I have them to remember and hope for a chance that they can come true. I decided to look through them and realized that a lot of the time I dream and wish of things that seem like they will never come true. Then I thought, What are dreams? Are they really just visions we have in our sleep or is there meaning to them. Maybe when we dream, we are seeing our future. I have never really thought hard into that but maybe its the truth. Maybe the purpose of dreaming is to see what our future looks like before we get to the events we see in our dreams. Are our dreams like movie previews before we actually see the motion picture? Maybe our dreams are like a second life that we want. A life that we wish we could live in our real every day lives. So many people I speak to say that "if you could dream it, it could happen" but is that really true? Can any of our dreams really come true? That is the thought I am going to leave you guys with at this time. What do you think? Let me know in the comment section of this post.
Until next time,
Hannah